


I only wish I could have you

by Sharmansbabe



Series: Your faith gives me strenght. [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Domesticity, Gai is really emotional when it comes to Kakashi, Insecure Gai, M/M, OOC, handjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-21
Updated: 2015-05-21
Packaged: 2018-03-31 15:33:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3983419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharmansbabe/pseuds/Sharmansbabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gai's worst day ever was also his best day ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I only wish I could have you

A year passed since the kiss, and nothing else happened in Gai's life. No kiss, no girlfriends, nothing. His life has remained the same, except for the fact that every day he was falling more and more in love with his best friend than the day before. And it was starting to eat him from the inside. But Gai knew that if he'd told Kakashi, he'd lose him, and he couldn't afford that. He needed him, no matter what. So he did everything that was in his power not to let his feelings show. And it was working perfectly, until that day.

Gai would qualify it as the worst day of his life.

You know, that day where everything is fine and great, but there's this little moment that makes everything fall apart? That little sentence, that person or that sight? Gai had them all in one shot.

He was walking peacefully towards his favorite bakery to buy some pastries for himself and Kakashi, as they were supposed to meet each other in about an hour. On the way, there's this weird and dark alleyway, which had a dead end. That alleyway was there for basically nothing but giving you shivers. As Gai walked his way, he heard someone moan. A guy. Gai being a curious person, he looked towards the alleyway. He didn't see anything at first, what with it being so dark and all, but he let his eyes adjust when he heard the guy moaning again, but this time, Gai heard what he said.

"Ah-ah.. Hatake.."

Gai lost his breath and felt like he would never breath again. He was scared shitless at that point - he did not want to see, but at the same time, he really wanted to. So he forced himself, and what he saw made his heart stop beating. There was this guy - Gai knew him, his name was Iruka-something - pinned against the wall, as a silver-haired boy was kissing him on the neck and the jaw, as Iruka continued to moan. Gai realised why as he let his gaze go down, and the sight shocked him.

Kakashi had his hand in the other boy's pants, and it seemed like he was stroking Iruka's dick in them. Gai couldn't stand the sight anymore, and he run away from the place, like, literally run away. As if he was running for dear life, which, in a way, he did. He felt like he wanted to escape his pathetic little life of his. A life where he, pathetic little Gai, had a pathetic crush on his best friend, who couldn't even trust him, because he never even said a word about him liking other boys, let alone giving some handjobs in dark alleyways. Gai felt so betrayed and he also felt his heart broke.

It's only when he reached the forest that he allowed himself to break down. He screamed 'fucks' every two seconds, hitting the trees and all. After ten minutes, he got really exhausted and his throat hurt a lot, so did his hands. He wiped some anger tears, furious that he even had some. _How did you ever let yourself think that someone like Kakashi could ever like someone so pathetic like you? You fool!_ He told himself. He stayed there for a while, getting angrier and angrier at himself as time passes and he decided to get home when it started to get dark. 

He found Kakashi leaning against the door of his apartment, looking as cool as ever, a book in one hand. Gai's heart broke again at the sight of his bestfriend. He looked as if Gai hallucinated what happened in the alleyway. What was sure, was that Kakashi didn't know that Gai saw them, because he talked to him normaly.

"For once that I'm early, you're late."

He saw the smirk in Kakashi's eyes. At this point, Gai only wanted to lay in his bed and die, to be honest. But he built a facade, a fake smile on his face as he reached for the doorknob, to unlock the door.

"I didn't see the time go by."

Kakashi only hummed and pocketed his book as they got inside Gai's apartment. The raven-haired boy reached his refregirator and took two water bottles, throwing one to his friend. They sat on the couch and Kakashi opened the television, not bothering to change the channel. Everything was so familiar with them after all these years. So domestic.

"So," Gai broke the silence, clearing his troat, "anything new?"

Kakashi took a little time to answer, as if he really thought about it, "no. The usual. You?"

 _The usual? Since when giving handjobs in alleyways is the usual?_ Gai asked himself, angrily.

"No, not really," he dismissed, but then, "I saw that guy from our last year's class, though, on my way to the bakery. He looked kind of weird."

Kakashi hummed again, "who?"

"Hmm, I think his name is Iruka, or something like that."

Gai's sentence made Kakashi frown and he glanced over at his best friend, "he looked weird how?"

Gai shrugged, feinging disinterest, "he looked as if he just got fucked on the sideway. Lucky guy." Gai thought it would come out harsher, but it came out as if he gave no fucks.

Kakashi lifted an eyebrow and laughed seconds later, "damn, yeah, lucky dude," was all Kakashi replied, and it made Gai furious. He opened the door for him and he still hadn't said anything about him being gay or whatever. It infuriated him, but he actually felt more hurt than angry. He sighed and gave himself a blank expression as he got up.

"I'm really tired, I had a long day, I'm going to bed. You can stay if you want, do as you want."

Kakashi frowned but he replied with a 'okay' anyway, staring at Gai as he made his way to his room, closing the door behind him. Gai undressed himself until he was only in his boxer, then found Kakashi's sweatshirt and couldn't help but to take it on. He closed his light and laid down on his mattress. He felt the tears coming back and this time he let them. He cried in silence for about five minutes when he heard his door opening and closing, then he heard that Kakashi was undressing himself, felt his blanket move and the mattress shift under Kakashi's weight. He felt his best friend's arm on his waist and Kakashi's face in his neck.

"What's going on?" Kakashi whispered calmly, which did not help Gai's tears at all.

"No-nothing," Gai replied.

"It's not nothing. What is it?"

"I don't want you to see me like that. I don't want to disgust you," he said weakly.

Kakashi kissed him with his mask on the neck, "you don't disgust me, and you never will. You're just crying, it's okay, it's human. Now tell me."

Gai wiped his tears, turning to face his best friend. They were really close, Gai noticed. "Why are you even friend with me?" He asked weakly.

Kakashi sighed and closed his eyes, "we're at it again?"

Gai frowned, feeling his anger comming back up, "sorry if I bother you with my insecurities!" He exclaimed as he tried to turn his back to Kakashi, but the silver-haired boy prevented it by forcing his hip to stay in place with his arm.

"You are not bothering me. It's just that I hate that you could even ask me something like that, fuck. You're amazing, Gai. Yeah, even though you are, in fact, annoying sometimes, you're still the most - how could I phrase it? - enjoyable person to be with ever. I love your presence, you're the only one that I can be with for, like, twenty-four hours and not become crazy, and I could still stay longer. You're so.. Fuck, you're so perfect, you should stop being insecure all the time! You should have some freaking faith in you! It can't be effective if I'm the only one of us that does."

It was weird, but hearing that made Gai feel even worse than before. He felt this hurt all over his body, because he couldn't believe that Kakashi would even think that about him. If he truly did, then he would love him, just like Gai loved him, or maybe just trust him. That'd be a good start.

"Then why don't you trust me?" He muttered under his breath a he looked down at his hands.

Kakashi frowned, "what are you even talking about? I trust you more than anyone in this world!"

"Then why are you always keeping things away from me? Or waiting a long time before telling me?" Gai sounded really hurt and Kakashi felt ashamed.

"I don't know why," he answered truthfully, "I guess I just do. I guess it's a wall I have. But know that I'd trust you with anything and everything."

"Then why didn't you tell me that you also liked boys?" Gai's tone was harsh, but he felt so hurt and betrayed, and Kakashi felt it. The silver-haired boy closed his eyes, not even answering, feeling too ashamed to do it, so Gai continued, "it's something important, it's something that you are, your personality, it's a part of _you_. And you didn't even tell me. How do you think I feel about that?"

"Really bad?"

"I feel really bad, yes, but also betrayed and angry," as Kakashi thought. "How long have you known?"

"A year or so?" The silver-haired boy replied weakly.

"Wow, such a friend, huh?" Kakashi didn't reply to that. "Then _I_ will tell you something. I know it doesn't make me any better than you, but I was about to tell you anyway. And because I feel like it's important to tell you this right now, I'll do. Because I'm not a coward and I wanted you to know." Kakashi felt really, really bad at this point. "I don't like girls."

Kakashi looked up, staring in Gai's eyes. He was shocked, but what Gai said next really confused him.

"But neither do I like guys in general."

Kakashi frowned, "in general?"

"Yeah."

"That means you like someone."

"Maybe. But I'm not telling you because it's not even important and please, _please_ , respect my choice so that we'll never talk about him again, okay?"

Kakashi was really confused and he didn't really understand, but he agreed anyway. "So, what did you saw, anyway, with me and Iruka?" He blatantly said, as if he talked about the wheather, but Gai was used to that, so it doesn't shock him anymore. He actually started to speak just like him.

"Oh, not so much, only you giving him a handjob and him moaning your name, is all."

"Then you didn't saw a lot."

"I saw enough."

"Did you?"

"Yeah."

Gai saw the smirk in his best friend's eye as he said, "have you ever gotten a handjob?"

Gai blushed furiously. "No, you know that."

"I could give you one. You know, as an apologize?"

Gai's heart stopped beating, "no."

Kakashi frowned, "why?"

"Because then you'll be weird with me and I don't want that."

"I won't be weird," Kakashi said as he sliped his hand that was on Gai's waist to underneath Gai's - or, actually, his - sweatshirt, caressing his soft skin with his thumb. Gai shivered at Kakashi's touch. "Come on," the silver-haired boy practically begged, "I really want to apologize properly." Gai scoffed.

"And giving me a handjob is a proper apology for you?"

Kakashi shrugged, "maybe. Why not?"

"I don't know, it's just kind of weird."

Kakashi lifted himself with his innocupied arm, putting his hand on his face, looking at Gai, "come on, and we'll never talk about it, if it makes you awkward."

Gai's heart beat really hard as he finally gave up and agreed, "okay, then."

Kakashi smiled underneith his mask, "good. Now, just lie down on your back and close your eyes, it'll feel better."

Gai did as Kakashi said and he heard Kakashi moving, next to him, probably sitting to be more comfortable. He then felt both of the silver-haired boy under his sweatshirt, carresing his stomach softly, he also felt lips on his neck. Gai let out a little moan as Kakashi lowered his right hand to his boxer and started to suck on his neck. Kakashi started to tease him a little by playing with his boxer's elastic and by still caressing his lower stomach. Kakashi let go of Gai's neck to kiss his torso instead, leaving little kisses everywhere and he started to suck on one of Gai's nipple as he lowered his hand in Gai's boxer, touching hesitantly Gai's dick.

Gai felt hot, so, _so_ hot. His heart was beating a hell of a lot faster than it ever beat before, it felt so good to have his best friend's hot mouth and touch on him, he whimpered at it. Kakashi lowered Gai's boxers until they were at Gai's knees, spitting on one hand, starting to work on the already half-hard shaft, cupping a ball with his other hand. Gai's breath stopped when Kakashi passed a thumb on his penis' head. It felt weird to be this naked to Kakashi and he felt really nervous, God knows why. Kakashi ruffled his balls and gave slow strokes on Gai's penis, teasing with him as he went back to the raven-haired boy's neck, biting it playfully.

After a minuto or so, Kakashi started to go faster, which Gai really appreciated because he was starting to die for the silver-haired boy's teasing. As he worked faster, Kakashi carressed Gai's head with his thumb at each stroke and it felt so awesome that Gai's precome was already coming out for the tip of his penis. Kakashi set a speed as he played with Gai's balls, and the raven-haired boy could swear that this was the greatest thing ever, as he forced himself not to come already, he was so near his orgasm, it was pathetic.

It was as if Kakashi felt that Gai was almost at his peak as he kissed his best friend, Gai responding with vigor, which was weird for someone's second kiss, but Kakashi rolled with it, liking Gai's lower lip as the raven-haired boy opened his mouth, allowing Kakashi's tongue to come in, as he hesitantly licked his best friend's tongue.

Kakashi went faster with his strokes at they made out and after an other minute or so, Gai finally reached his climax, his breath stopped and his stomach clenched with pleasure and he cried Kakashi's name against the silver-haired boy's mouth, which weirdly turned Kakashi on. Gai came in his best friend's hand as Kakashi still stroked it, making sure that everything came out. He then let go of Gai's lip, putting his mask back on with his untouched hand and leaning for a kleenex, which were on the bedside table and he cleaned both him and Gai's as the raven-haired boy tried to get his air back. When he finished the cleaning, he threw the used kleenex beside the bedside table and heput Gai's boxers back on, kissing his best friend a last time on the lips and he laid back down, looking at the raven-haired boy.

"So?" Kakashi asked.

"It was.. good."

Kakashi smiled, "awesome," was all he said before turning his back to Gai and went to sleep. Gai couldn't find it in himself to sleep, though. He stayed there, not moving a muscle, still not fully realising what just happened. He felt so happy but really sad at the same time, because he just tasted something he could never eat entirely and it broke his heart a little.

And if Gai was nervous about Kakashi being weird or different after the handjob before, he felt betrayed that his best friend acted as if it never happened. Everything was normal, Kakashi was talking to him like he always did the next few days after the event, they still normaly hanged out, still sometimes slept in the same bed, everything was really as if the handjob never happened, and Gai knew that he should feel happy about it, but he couldn't help but feel sad, because a little part of him hoped that Kakashi would tell him that he felt something for him, but it never happened.

The only thing that changed was that Kakashi was now casually hanging out with that Iruka boy and he wasn't secretive about it anymore. They weren't formally dating, because Kakashi didn't do 'dating' or 'romance', but they were casual fucks to each other, and even though Kakashi never really told Gai, the raven-haired boy knew anyway. And even if he spent most of his time with his best friend, like always, he never felt more lonely.

He kept asking himself what Iruka had more than him, why Kakashi seemed to like him better enough that they were fucking and not them? How could Kakashi ever hope that Gai felt better about himself when, even him, didn't want him, no matter what he said about it. No matter how much he told the raven-haired boy to have faith in himself.

So, yeah. Even though that day, he had Kakashi's hand and mouth on him, which should made it the best day ever, it still was the worse day ever, because it only made Gai realise what he is missing.

He was missing that litte taste of happiness that he would never have completely.


End file.
